Loving Gaze From a Distance

Alec loves to write on the rooftop of his apartment building. Up there, he can see many skyscrapers and small buildings. Every evening, he sits up there and writes in his journal, thinks about his daily experiences, and imagines how he wanted them to go. Or how they should have went. Then he proceeds to write the real and the imaginary down.

One evening, he opens the door of the rooftop, holding his dark blue sweatshirt and journal down to his side. The cold wind blows and he pulls on his sweatshirt. He sits in the chair and writes, but he hears a male voice from down below. He rushes over to the ledge, leaning down, and spots a man with a thick red beard across the street. He watches the red-bearded man as he looks through the coffee shop’s windows, to see if it's open. The bearded man then walks away. Alec sprints back to his chair and writes.

The new secretary at work.

I walked into the office and saw a new secretary behind the desk, a clean-shaven man in a white tie and a black suit. The man said “Hello” and waved, but I rushed by him and to my cubicle.

At lunch, I couldn’t help but stare at him. And once he stared back, I looked back at my food, and returned to eating.

At the end of our shift, he clocked out and winked at me. I shot back an awkward half-wink and blink.

His wink, what did it mean? What did he think mine meant? Maybe I should wait to ask him out.

What I wanted to happen was…

I walked into the office and spotted the new secretary, a recently shaved face man with a black suit jacket, black long sleeve, and a white tie. He said and waved hello, I waved back, then rushed to my cubicle.

During lunch, I sat and ate my sandwich, then he walked in and sat at the table next to mine. He sat diagonally from me. As he ate his salad, I looked him up and down, then glanced at him and he glanced back. How would I know if he’s gay or not? I looked at his hand gestures as he poked his salad with his fork. And I noticed nothing, but a simple man eating a simple salad.

I watched Deborah, the woman from accounting in a dark blue dress as she walked over to the vending machine. She pressed two buttons on its pin pan and crouched down. With her left hand she grabbed her soda from its lower compartment, she held her brown lunch bag in her right.

Deborah turned around to the table, now in front of her and asked, “You’re the new secretary, right?”

The man looked back, “Yes.”

“Hi, I’m Deborah,” she said and walked closer to him.

“I’m Samuel, but Sam works too. How are you?” Sam said and asked.

“I’m Fine,” Deborah said with a sigh. Then she sat down at the right side of Sam’s table.

“What’s wrong?” Sam queried.

“I heard the company’s merging with Multi-Corp to form Omni-Corp and I’m afraid of getting fired,” Deborah said as she opened her brown lunch bag and pulled out a six-inch sub.

“Really?” Sam set his hand on his chin, “How long have you been here?”

“A year,” Deborah replied.

“You should be okay,” Sam said.

Sam gazed at me and I once again looked back at my food.

Why couldn’t I have a conversation with him like that? It could’ve been great.

The crescent moon rises over the smaller buildings and grey clouds shroud the sky. Alec

closes his journal, sighs, and walks back downstairs.

The next night, he returns to the rooftop with his sweatshirt on, and sits back in the chair. As he writes he hears the same voice, but not as loud. He stands out his chair, walks up to the ledge, and leans over it. He turns to the right, and clamps his hands onto the stone ledge. He saw the man as he pulled the door handle of the book store, glanced at the closed sign, and walked away.

I saw him again, as I walked into our office building.

Before my shift, I walked to the office building and saw him in white dress shoes and a red suit. He opened the front door for me and I thanked him. He responded, “You’re welcome.”

It was simple, but it was an interaction.

Then at lunch, Sam asked me, “We’re ordering from the Chinese place down the street, what do you want from there?”

I mumbled,“You.”

But he thought I said, “Pu” as in Pu pu platter.

I didn’t even want a Pu pu plater, but I took it anyway.

It should’ve happened this way.

At the start of lunch, in the break room, Sam served as the messenger (the caller) for everyone in the main office to order them Chinese food. I guess I could go for some Chinese food, I did forget my lunch at home. I was going to grab a hotdog or sub from a nearby food cart, but this works. Then Sam asked me what I wanted from the Chinese Restaurant.

I said, “A-tray of potstickers.”

He relayed my order to their hostess.

“What size tray do you want?” Sam asked.

“Small,” I replied

Sam said into his phone,“Small.” Then said,“Okay.”

He told us it would be here in thirty minutes.

Once it arrived, the delivery boy called Sam from downstairs. I watched him as he walked out of the breakroom and (I saw him through the glass windows walk) out of the office.

He returned with red and white bags of food in his hands. He passed out everyone’s orders and he gave me a glare as he handed over mine.

I could have had potstickers, but I had to say, “You.”

He shuts his journal, huffs, and runs his hand through his thick dark brown hair. He lifts himself out of his chair and walks to the roof’s exit door.

I saw him once more at the grocery store.

I walked through one of the store’s produce aisles and I looked at an apple to check its ripeness. In the next aisle, I grabbed a bunch of bananas and set them in my basket.

I walked out of the Produce department and into the snack and bread aisle. I grabbed a loaf of bread and looked over to see Sam enter the aisle. I repositioned my basket from inside my arm (in between my bicep and forearm) to my hand.

““H-i-i, S-a-a-m,” I tried to say.

“Hey,” Sam replied, “How are you?”

Sam turned around, clenched the handle of his cart to stop it.

“Hot,” I said, then took off my sweatshirt and tossed it onto my shoulder.

“The AC’s on it in here, but okay,” Sam said, then shivered and rubbed his arms.

“Of course it is,” I said.

“I have to get more food, but I’ll see you at work on Monday,” he said as he set a box of Cheez-Its in the front of his cart.

“Okay,” I said to Sam as he walked away.

We did talk more, but enough to get to know each other.

I wish it happened like this.

My hand squeezed the handle of my red basket (tapping my thigh) as I walked into the bottled drinks aisle. I reached for a seltzer and put it into my basket. I walked to the front of the aisle, reached for a Gatorade, and looked to the right to see Sam enter the aisle. I shoved the bottle into my basket.

“Hey Sam,” I said.

“Hey?” Sam said with a furrowed brow.

“It’s Alec from work,” I said as I set my basket on the tiled floor.

“Alec the Sales Rep from the secretary from our office, right?” Sam asked, then stopped his carriage.

“That’s me,” I said and smiled.

“How are you?” Alec said, then removed a water bottle from the shelf and drank it.

“Good. How are you?” I asked slowly.

“I’m okay, did you hear about the merger?” Sam replied with a question (A question for a question).

“I did, what are your possible thoughts on it?” I inquired as I crossed my arms.

“All I know is I’m not safe from being fired,” Sam said as he stroked the side of his light brown hair.

“Really!? How long have you been there?” I asked and leaned forward a little.

“Six months,” Sam replied.

My eyes widened, “Wow, I been there for three years.”

“That’s a long time,” Sam said, then leaned back onto the handle of his carriage.

“Not really-wait-aren’t you new to the office,” I replied as I picked up my basket.

“I am, but I have been with the company for six months,” Sam said.

I narrowed my eyes.

“I just transferred from the branch downtown,” Sam said.

“Oh,” I said.

“I just know I’m going to get fired,” Sam said as he rubbed his lean arms.

“How so-” I said, interrupted by the intercom.

“Hello shoppers, would the owner of a red Jeep, parked out front, please come to the front desk? The owner of red Jeep to the front desk.” A young female voice announced over the

intercom.

“That’s my car, see you later,” Sam said, waved, and walked away.

It could have gone that way. We could’ve had a great conversation.

Alec sets his journal to his side and runs downstairs. He opens his front door, changes into pajamas, and jumps into bed, ready for tomorrow.

The next morning, he does his daily routine after showering. He opens his closet and decides on a blue suit and black shoes. Then he ate breakfast, cereal at his small kitchen table. He rushed to finish his Cheerios. He pops his earbuds into his ears and sets his phone to play Shania Twain’s You’re Still The One. He slams his door shut and speed walks downstairs. After a block of walking, he spots Sam on the other side of the street with his hair gelled back. Alec unplugs his earbuds from his ears and catches up to Sam.

“Hey. Where do you even live?” Sam yells from across the street.

“On-n Value Street,” I yell back.

“Oh, I’m on West River Road,” Sam says. He walks through the next crosswalk to get to Alec’s side of the street. He then catches up to Alec.

“Really!” Alec shouts.

Sam rushes up to Alec to walk with him.

“Really?” Alec asks, setting his satchel bag onto his right shoulder.

Alec watches Sam and talks to him about the impending merger, they continue to walk up the street. Alec arrives at the black windowed skyscraper and opens the door for Sam. He looks up and two construction workers are taking down the “Uni-Corp” sign. Sam enters the building and Alec follows. Alec spots Sam walk to the staircase, while he walks to the elevator. Waits for the ding and steps inside. He presses the “7” button and walks out when it arrives at his floor. He walks through the office doorframe and sees Sam sprint to the curved wooden front desk. Before looking away he notices Sam spin in his swivel chair and answers incoming calls.

Alex sits in his chair, logs into his computer, and clicks open Excel. He hears his manager, Mr. James Theodores mumbles something and Alec stands to hear better.

“Now that I have your attention, meeting in the conference room in ten minutes,” Mr. Theodores says.

Alex looks at the clock “9:05”, types a little, and at nine-thirteen he steps out of his cubicle and follows the other employees of the main office down the hall and into the conference room. Alex sits in the chair farthest to the right.

Mr. Theodores shuffles his papers and stands out of his chair. He angles his hands and arms outward, pushes them to the edge of his left and right employees. “It’s true, we are merging with Multi-Corp to form Omni-Corp. Wednesday is when the deal with be final.”

“Why did you decide to merge?” Sam raises his hand and asks.

“We wanted to make it easier for sellers to buy our cellphone case and accessories, in one place,” Mr. Theodores answers. “Any other questions?”

“What does that mean for us?” Deborah, the accountant asks, sits back down and smoothens out the wrinkle of her black dress.

“It means I will be conducting layoffs and firings,” Mr. Theodores replies, leaning over the table a little.

“When are you administering these?” Kyle from marketing asks, adjusting his glasses.

“Later today at four,” Mr. Theodores, then sits in his chair. “Any other questions? Good, this meeting is over.”

At lunch, Alec eats his macaroni salad, he glares at Sam as he enters the break room. Sam’s hands shake as he pulls out the chair in front of Alex.

“What wrong with you? Alec asks, pushing in his seat.

“I’m on the chopping block, I know it,” Sam says, gripping the edge of the table with his right hand.

“Why do you think that?” Alec asks.

“I’ve been at this company for six months, my performance may be getting better, but I have the least amount of experience out of everyone here,” Sam replies, looks at Alec and looks away.

“I’m sure you’re fine, you have plenty of experience,” Alex says, rubbing the back of his neck, then takes a drink from his seltzer bottle.

“You think? How long have you been here?” Sam questions, smiling.

“Three years,” Alec replies.

“You’re an asset, you’re staying,” Sam says.

Alec observes Sam walk to the fridge pull out his small cup of soup, set it in the microwave, and let it heat up. Sam returns to the table, removes cup’s cover, and sits back down.

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, I know that’d be happy to keep you,” Alec states, gets out of his and tosses his paper bowl in the trash.

“I don’t know,” Sam states with a frown.

Hours later, Alec turns around to look at the wall clock, the little hand on the four, the big hand on the twelve. He watches Sam enter Mr. Theodores’ office and turns around when Sam leaves.

Sam hands him his card, “Call me some time.”

“Did you get fired or?” Alec asked as Sam walked away.

“Call me,” Sam said as he extended his thumb and pinky and curled in his other finger, then set the gesture to his ear.

I guess I should call him. But why does he want me to call him?

A few days later, it’s pouring rain as it darkens outside of Alec’s living room. Alec sits on his plaid couch and contemplates if he should call Sam or not.

Should I call him? Yes, I’ve been holding it off for too long.

Alec enters Sam’s number into his phone’s dial screen, but stops before the last number.

I shouldn’t. I don’t even know what he wants to talk about or say.

He taps the last number.

You can do this. You’re going to be fine.

Alec then waits for Sam to pick up.

“Hello?” Sam asks.

“Is this Sam? It’s Alec from work,” Alec says and takes a deep breath.

“Yeah, it’s me. Hi Alec,” Sam says with a low tone in his voice.

“Hi, you gave me your number and asked me to call you,” Alec says, crossing his left leg over his right.

“Right, I wanted to tell you I got promoted,” Sam says, his tone raising.

“Promoted? H-how?” Alec asks confused.

“Mr. Theodores told me in his office yesterday that I’m transferring to the new branch downtown,” Sam replies as he takes in shorter breaths.

“That great, when do you start?” Alec asks with a slight grin.

“Monday, my last day at the office is tomorrow,” Sam says, sighing.

“After tomorrow, will I see you again?” Alec queries, setting his left hand on his cheek.

“We’ll see each other in town, not before work. But after work and you have my number,” Sam replies.

“Right, see you tomorrow,” Alex says.

“Bye,” Sam says.

“Bye,” Alex says hanging

The next day at the office, Alec observes Sam as he could, at the start of their shift and during meetings and lunch. At the end of their shift, Alec stands near Sam’s desk and watches him answer his last phone call at their office and hang up the phone.

“See you later, Sam,” Alec says, walking up to Sam's desk.

“Bye, it was fun while it lasted,” Sam says, logging out of his computer.

“Yeah,” Alec says, rubbing the back of his neck. He walks away, but before leaving he turns around. “Do you want to get some coffee, I know a place-”

“Sorry I can’t, I have plans tonight,” Alex says as puts out his hand as if stop Alec in his tracks.

“Okay, bye,” Sam says, walking to the exit.

Plans? What plans? Who could he have plans with? I don’t know, but we’ll see or call each other again.